by Shenzhan / 申展
A summary of fragmented thoughts during the week, Proof of Living Moments (PLM) intends to have an account of what comes to my mind when I am reading on the subway, walking in the street or listening to a podcast, or like many people nowadays, just sitting around in my apartment. Thoughts often appear, then disappear into the ocean of unconsciousness, as if they have never existed.
As if that living moment has never existed.
I hope these notes are at least a proof of those living moments.
How to let go what you expect to get, and still be kind?
I first start thinking of this question when I was reading a book in graduate school, 《上海的金枝玉叶》 (“ Precious Delicate Flowers in Shanghai”) , a biography of a woman from a wealthy family in early 20th Century Shanghai, going through the wars in the 30s and 40s, beginning of the Communist China, social and class movements peaked during the Cultural Revolution from 1966 - 1976, etc. By the time she was 80 years old and living quietly in a small ally in Shanghai, her family wealth was long gone, her husband died in a labor camp, and she herself had the memories of doing all kinds of laborious work unimaginable for a beautiful, delicate, high-class lady in Shanghai in the 30s. With all she went through, amazingly, she was still a kind person.
Impressed in an abstract way, I carry the memory of this book and her story effortlessly for all these years. It came up immediately when I came across Naomi Shihab Nye’s poem on the morning of July 1, 2020.
In New York City, we are now entering the fourth month of working from home due to COVID-19 and I start to feel a bit frustrated about things between J and me. After a couple of months of close text messages and weekly 3-hour-long zoom calls, it seems we are hitting a wall. I suddenly don’t feel he has the kind of eagerness to talk anymore. I tried to initiate messages, but the response did not feel too encouraging. Did I say anything off putting (like when I mentioned I didn’t have a “real relationship” for 18 years, just dates and short terms)? Or we both increasingly feel hopeless as COVID-19 drags? Or he is just too busy with the school reopening, board meetings, zoom meetings with colleagues and parents, spending time with his families? In the end, it’s hard to keep up with the intensity of expectations for too long. At some point sparkles will start to fade, which is an unfortunate human nature. Also it’s hard to argue there is anything yet between us: we just met in person in February, and were immediately separated due to the pandemic. We haven’t FELT each other physically at all: forget about holding hands or anything beyond that, we haven’t even sitting next to each other in person, testing occasionally brushing against the other person’s finger, or shoulder. What’s worse, we don’t even know how and when THAT would happen!
Usually a frustration will lead to impatience and bitterness, and I will explode at some point and blow everything off.
And I read Naomi’s poem, “Kindness”.
KINDNESS 善
Before you know what kindness really is 在你明白善的真谛以前
you must lose things, 你必须有所遗失，
feel the future dissolve in a moment 感受未来在瞬间消逝
like salt in a weakened broth. 就像稀薄的汤里的盐。
What you held in your hand, 你手中所握的，
what you counted and carefully saved, 你所依靠和谨慎保存的，
all this must go so you know 都必须放弃这样你才知道
how desolate the landscape can be 善与善的中间地带
between the regions of kindness. 风景可以多么荒凉。
How you ride and ride 好像你不停地不停地乘车
thinking the bus will never stop, 觉得公车永不停止，
the passengers eating maize and chicken 乘客们啃着玉米和鸡肉
will stare out the window forever. 会永远看着窗外。
Before you learn the tender gravity of kindness, 在你了解善沉甸甸的柔软以前，
you must travel where the Indian in a white poncho
你必须旅行，碰到穿着白色斗篷的印第安人
lies dead by the side of the road. 毫无生气地陈尸路旁。
You must see how this could be you, 你得明白这可能是你，
how he too was someone 明白他也曾在夜里穿行
who journeyed through the night with plans 有想法
and the simple breath that kept him alive. 还有让他活着的一口气
Before you know kindness as the deepest thing inside, 你懂得善在内心最深处以前
you must know sorrow as the other deepest thing. 也必须明白悲伤深藏在那里。
You must wake up with sorrow. 你得带着悲伤醒来。
You must speak to it till your voice 与之交谈直到你的声音
catches the thread of all sorrows 托起每一根悲伤的线条
and you see the size of the cloth. 然后才明白整张布匹的大小。
Then it is only kindness that makes sense anymore, 这时只有善才有意义，
only kindness that ties your shoes 只有善能让你系上鞋带，
and sends you out into the day to mail letters and purchase bread, 每天出去寄信、买面包，
only kindness that raises its head 只有善抬起头来
from the crowd of the world to say 从芸芸世间说
It is I you have been looking for, 你一直找的是我，
and then goes with you everywhere 然后跟随你到每一个地方
like a shadow or a friend. 就像影子或朋友。
(translation by Shenzhan/申展）
I remember the night J and I were talking about past relationships. J told me about his recent divorce; I shared my first relationship story in graduate school -- and that was when I texted J that I didn’t have any serious relationship afterwards in the past 18 years, which shocked him. As we chatted over text messages, I couldn’t help to be in a deep sorrow: perhaps what surprised him made me feel sorry for myself. Maybe I have been feeling sorry for myself ever since that first relationship ended. I was weeping and texting, for reasons I couldn’t, and still can’t, explain. It’s just painful, and I knew it had nothing to do with J.
But it was not true. There were other relationships, long or short, and I was serious. Or at least I intended to be serious at the beginning. But they all didn’t work out, hence are not counted as “relationships” in my mind. Is it possible that I have never allowed myself pass the very first “real” relationship? I can’t explain why I said what I said to J. I wasn’t trying to lie, but I wasn’t telling the truth either.
Can I still be kind to myself and others if I am not feeling particularly loving or being loved?
As I read the poem, it starts to feel it no longer matters whatever between J and me.
Kindness, "It is I you have been looking for."
Perhaps the silver lining is, even when one is not capable of loving, one can still be capable of kindness.
Astoria, New York
Revised July 25, 2020
Hear Naomi reading “Kindness” : https://soundcloud.com/onbeing/kindness-by-naomi-shihab-nye
Hear Shenzhan/申展 reading “善“：